TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from spot. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have another put the place American Guys can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should really cease making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after locating the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Functions


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a Trump Tower Damascus "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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